I can tuck mytits in my pants
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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