I want to make a zoo with you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
