someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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