Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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