i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.