I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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