I wish I could teleport
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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