We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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