I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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