Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius