the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits