i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
