dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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