Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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