I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
