She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
