good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
