Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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