WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
