i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
