I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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