I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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