This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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