how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
