I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
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I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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