dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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