If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
