Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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