Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize