My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
