Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
