I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
