omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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