After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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