Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
