the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize