My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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