arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
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I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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