new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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