For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
