I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
