Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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