And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
