My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
someone owes me an orgasm
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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