Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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