I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Randomize
