I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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