then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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