i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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