My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
