is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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